Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
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I am patiently waiting for your email
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
😂 amazing answer
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity