Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You look amazing with glasses.

Her: OMG thanks

Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.

“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”

“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”

“

If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..

“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”

We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.

If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur

Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅

“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”

[at train station]

Cashier: May I help you?

Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place

In New England, we only have two seasons:

1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

Captcha: pick all the squares with worms

Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.

For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?

“One should never name drop”

The Queen told me that

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.

Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.

toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!

ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.