Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
You Might Also Like
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.