Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
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Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.