*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
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I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.