Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie

Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.

My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?

Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!

If you’re having a bad day , just remember …

All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .

I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom

Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute

Me: She’s my…. Thank you

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’

~Jason Voorhees, in therapy

interview: problem solving skills?

me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla

Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?

Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier

the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!

How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock

Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade

They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma

It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.