Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jason: Honey?

Wife: Mmmm?

Jason: Where is my hockey mask?

W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete

J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors

“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”

– me whenever my wife sings while driving.

Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you

Me: I just have a hard time understanding

Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”

I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.

Someone garnished my wage.

very niche meme I made

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤

{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

*about to die*

Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!

*life flashes before my eyes*

Me: Oh, right.

Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation

No.

Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.