Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.

me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?

HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

just pretend nothing happened

flash mobs for serving divorce papers

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know I can run 83 mph?

Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.

if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.

Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.

Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!

Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars

“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”

warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face

Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body

Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone

I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.

Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry

My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s

Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.

I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.

I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.