Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
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Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
🔥🔥
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
