Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.

“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

friend: you should be more spontaneous

me: *opens planner* when?

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.

You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.

(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)

(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)

(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)

A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty

[Courtroom]

Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.

The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”

Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?

Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”

business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed

Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK