Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank

Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!

Uber: What?

Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN

How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?

Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad

Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues

Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me

[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

I once made a mistake with plurals.

It was an amazing feet.

*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.

Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!

Nurse: what’s her name?

Me: well we both love Kit Kats

Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?

Me: meet Wafer

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair

me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink