fly smarter, not harder
You Might Also Like
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry