fly smarter, not harder
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*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
this made my day 😂
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.