fly smarter, not harder
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doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
normalize having existential bread
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
