Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.

the hottest people have the worst stomach problems

Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed

Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.

I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.

A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”

I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.

I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.

This squirrel eats better than I do

Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.

– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery

sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

astrology is fake.

my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office

Satan: yeah, welcome to hell

Me: well, I guess it could be worse

Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.