Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie

What kind of rifle do comedians use?

JK47’s.

Shoot me.

That stupid look on my face, is my face

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?

app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later

apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”

Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.

I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.

Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO

[loud fighting downstairs]

Me: What’s this about?

10-year-old: Nothing.

Me: You have to be fighting over something.

10: We really don’t.

DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser

[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.

Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food

I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

Godzilla was the first house flipper.

Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble