Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
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You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL