Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.

FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.

ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.

FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.

ME: Milk.

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!

BOY: Fine

{later}

BOY: Help…Wolf!

WOLF: What’s up?

BOY: I need you to kill the villagers

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

KITTEN: *flailing wildly*

MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off

KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*

MAMA CAT: excellent

You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

The old gods are rising again.

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.

If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.

*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

Me: will you wake your sister

4: no that’s way too scary

if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”

The legends were true

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job