Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
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“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Perfection.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Generation gap…
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”