Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

this is uni

Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?

Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.

F: Why not?

Me: He gets really mad.

Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-

God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.

the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

ME: one ariana please

STARBUCKS: what size

ME: *winks at camera*

Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.

worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

“And why did you join our gym?”

▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked

Bruh

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”

Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –

Me: And I must never open it?

Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up

What happens if you fight a dinosaur?

You get Jurasskicked!