Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
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MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
pizza
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”