Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
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Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
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my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war