Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
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“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I love wikipedia
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit