Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

And now begins the yearly tradition of writing the incorrect year on everything, for the next 3 months.

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Terrible heart surgeon.

Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera

i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”

Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?

do horses think humans are hats

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me

[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

[neighborhood meeting]

Me: This is an outrage!

Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–

Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

Me: Table for 1.

Host: Just 1?

Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?

I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months

what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?

do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats

a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

*ninja group therapy

Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!