Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
You Might Also Like
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine’s Day, I’d secretly drop fake engagement rings into random drinks—just to sit back and watch the chaos unfold. Bon appétit!
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?