Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

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My biggest fears are:

-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper


Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.


Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.


“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*


me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”


Walking into a giant spiderweb is natures way of telling you to never leave the house.


Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes


*goes to bank

Me: Hi, I need a loan.

Banker: How much and what for?

Me: Seventy three thousand. I’m making guacamole for the super bowl.


Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.

Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.