My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
You Might Also Like
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Walking into a giant spiderweb is natures way of telling you to never leave the house.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
*goes to bank
Me: Hi, I need a loan.
Banker: How much and what for?
Me: Seventy three thousand. I’m making guacamole for the super bowl.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.