Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
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On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun