Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.

I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.

A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”

That seems sus.

I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

welcome to janurary 32nd everyone

“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.

Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂

Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol

Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!

My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like

– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!

[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.

I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.