[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
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DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
My dress code is business-casualty.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor