Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?

Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4

Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board

Me: I have a PhD in mathematics

Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack

Me: *nodding* that makes two

Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant

*child becomes teenager*

Me: is it too late to rethink having children

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english

here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”

…i mean VERY BAD TRIP

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”

I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.

dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i’ll see you when you get back

Nobody invites me to spa day…

Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.

3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!

Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??

7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!

Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.