Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

11: how large is Scotland Yard?

Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…

11: never mind, I will ask google.

Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.

There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

fish:

eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.

[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards

if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.

–Psycho Therapy

priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better

I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow

Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.

*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.

JOHN: Dad, we know.

OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.

GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.