Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
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Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger