Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.

Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.

Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.

Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge

My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

“Keep it in your pants!”

-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.

Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.

My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know

Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for

Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????

[prison hospital]

PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?

CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of

PRIEST: …

CHARLES MANSON: …

PRIEST: Do you want a hint?