Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.

0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.

2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.

My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy

Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*

You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!

😩😩😩

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?

So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.

A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.

Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism

You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.

Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.

26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.

36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.

When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase

😂😂😂😂😂😂

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.

Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo

Me: lol *like*

Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news

Me: n-

Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at

PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels

HER: Shouldn’t it be –

HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.

I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.

If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.