Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
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I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.