As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
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You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Sharon I have some bad news
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.