fog is just god’s snapchat filter

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One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.


Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.

Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…


People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.


[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner


Pregnant white women over 30 always buy the biggest SUV around, because you never know when you’ll give birth to half of a baseball team.


Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn


“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist


It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.


Really not sure why people tell me to “be honest” then get all upset when I tell them their eyebrows need a divorce.