@Jerrypleasure

fog is just god’s snapchat filter

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@AngryRaccoon2

One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.

@GingerHotDish

Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.

Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…

@Parkerlawyer

People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.

@TheHyyyype

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner

@TheMichaelRock

Pregnant white women over 30 always buy the biggest SUV around, because you never know when you’ll give birth to half of a baseball team.

@Matt_The_1st

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

@MrsTomServo

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist

@LizHackett

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

@lilgapeach32

Really not sure why people tell me to “be honest” then get all upset when I tell them their eyebrows need a divorce.
*shrugs*