One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
fog is just god’s snapchat filter
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Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
WD-40 is an essential oil.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Pregnant white women over 30 always buy the biggest SUV around, because you never know when you’ll give birth to half of a baseball team.
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years
Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Really not sure why people tell me to “be honest” then get all upset when I tell them their eyebrows need a divorce.