Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

*has no idea what a book even is*

🐦

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.

I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).

I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.

olive garden host: welcome to ol-

me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.

I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!

Me: You’re exaggerating.

7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.

Okay, it might have been deep enough.

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.

whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field

Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.

[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.

Parenting is fun lol

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious