Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
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My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
smh
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Seals are just dog mermaids.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now