You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
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wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
R.I.P boiling water, you will be mist.
The doctor just told my girlfriend and I that the baby is coming early.
Like father, like son.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Meth addicts gets all their drug money from the tooth fairy.
Me: I love star wars movies
Friend: What’s your favourite line?
Me: Probably “aaaaarggh…Luke ya scurvy dog, I am yer fartha”
Friend: Sounds like a pirate copy
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.