Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
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I put the mess in domestic.
getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio