[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
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ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
These are my roll models.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich