Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”

If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.

~ Theresa May

if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.

They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.

It was called Dungeons and Dragons.

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.

[peeing behind a tree]

bonsai artist: I have restrooms

she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur

Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.

Me:

Me: You can talk!

My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.

[Hunting Robots]

Me: You a robot?

Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*

M: Hm. That checks out.

Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.

After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.

If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”

My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring

Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!

Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?

Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ

Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.

Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …

my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch

– when did competitive farting become a thing

– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds

– bean-free chili recipes

How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what

Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant