[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
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TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
welp
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.