Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

“My door is always open.”

— World’s worst submarine commander

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.

Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.

The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.

Owls are just nocturnal pug birds

Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.

Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?

Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

“I’ve invented the toaster”

SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?

“2”

SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8

I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.

Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.

Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.

[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)

I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO

date: what do you do?

me: i’m a filmmaker.

date: oh what’s that like?

me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

*Being murdered in bed*

Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??