[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
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[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”