Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.

The French cow says MEUX…

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself

repaired

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.

Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad:

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?

Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

Are you ok?

– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.

This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.

Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.

i was dropped as an adult

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet