Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.

Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too

rapatouille

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

[on the sixth question in two minutes]

4: what does “not” mean

me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.

4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.

DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?

ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome

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Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*