Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
You Might Also Like
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*