Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
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Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?