Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
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Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
