Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
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Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
#polloftheday
A tragic love story in two pictures.
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*