Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
You Might Also Like
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.