“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
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I’m just playing devils avocado here
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.