Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
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These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
🐕🍷
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.