Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
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*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Jurassic park gets weird
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
👽
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.