Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
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I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?