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[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn