Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
You Might Also Like
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Don’t forget to tip your server
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
First I was a pebble..
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
A French press is when you hug naked
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else