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Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.