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The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay