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One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
…..pretty much.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
