Follow me for more fitness tips.
You Might Also Like
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
How dramatic are you?
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
mom had nothing to worry about
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.