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Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?
Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.
Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.