Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Being murdered]

Me: You’re stabbing wrong

Murderer:

Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work

[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]

Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.

I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

[space launch]

ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem

ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned

ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems

These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…

…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.

If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.

I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk

one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs

MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.

No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened