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Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
The chart results are in…
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I have a black belt in leather
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point