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Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.