“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
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My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
What the hell is going on?
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.