Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
You Might Also Like
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
yes… yes…
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Squirrels before girls.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”