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One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys