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[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
just witnessed a drug deal
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.