Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
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Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
My birthstone is kidney
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.