Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.

Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards

Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am

Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.

Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.

What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“

*interrupting* haha, he said prick

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?

Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?

how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy

Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*

Me:

8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?

Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.

I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit