Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
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Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
As a doctor, I can confirm
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO