Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

Clark Kent: *removes glasses*

Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are

I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break

This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

Fiction has to make sense.

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”

Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy

ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?

My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.

Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.

Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.

Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant

Mornin

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.