Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
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My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Bond. Trauma bond.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
*Seductively hides in the woods
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine