Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
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spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Asking the real questions!
