Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
You Might Also Like
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.