Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.

people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.

You had me at “define legal”.

centipede: *walking by*

Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?

THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?

My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way

Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery

The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.

The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.

One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.

My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.